Today's Word - Eugooglize

Welcome to the second day in my personal quest to extend the english lexicon beyond the limits of reason. Today's word was offered by my brother, who is that guy... That's right, he's the last man in america without a blog. I considered turning it away as punishment for his inability to conform, but there's no sense in punishing a perfectly good word for his sins.

Today's word is

transitive verb

To search for news of someone's demise on the internet, especially when searching with Google.

"Is Abe Vigoda still alive?"
"Let me eugooglize him... Why, it says right here at www.abevigoda.com that he is, in fact, still alive.
"Well fancy that."

Eugooglize is a combination of the words Eulogy and Google. The first known occurance of the word was in the film Zoolander, but it appeared there with a different meaning. In the original context, "Eugoogalize" and "Eugoogaly" were simple mispronunciations of the words "Eulogize" and "Eulogy" respectively.


New Word

New words are great, aren't they? I think everyone should invent a new word every day. If we all did, the english language would be rendered mutually unintelligeable in a matter of days. How fabulous would that be?

Whaddyu mean that would suck?


Well, frankly I don't give a crap. In fact, I'm going to start the ball rolling. We, or rather "Me" here at Giant Roblog will be introducing a new word daily... or whenever I bloody well feel like it, which might be more than daily, or more likely quite less often than daily. Time will tell.

Today's new word:


1. A hybrid commercial and sit-com. They are short, interstitial ads that involve continuing situational comedy with a regular cast of characters.

Examples of Sitcommercials:
The Capitol One ads involving David Spade and his protege`, Chubbsy.
The Burger King ads that take place in an office, usually during lunch.
The Grape Nuts commercials, with a manager trying to fire his crunch-deafened employee.

Sadly, a Google search has just proven that I did not, in fact, coin this term. Bugger.

Till next time, keep it on ice.


Pointless Jibber Jabber

The internet proves its boundless utility yet again. This time, it told me I'm happy and well adjusted. Whoda thunkit?

Your Social Dysfunction:

You're a happy person - you have a good amount of self-esteem, and are socially healthy. While this isn't a social dysfunction per se, you're definitely not normal. Consider yourself lucky: you walk that fine line between 'normal' and being outright narcissistic. You're rare - which is something else to be happy about.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

They made a mistake, though: I am outright narcissistic. C'est la vie.

Sunday Punch

Here's a true story from a couple sundays ago. It could stand to be cleaned up a bit, but I still think it's fairly entertaining. Without further ado...


Another day, another removed story. Love isn't free, after-all.


Sir Lucien and the Great Sickness


This story has been removed to punish you for not eating your veggies. Suffer, you malnutritioned imbecile!


Shame on you all...

That's right. You heard me. I know you're not reading this blog, and ya know what? Shame on you. Shame on each and every one of you.

If your mothers knew, they'd paddle your collective ass with a spoon. A big, wooden spoon. Slotted, no doubt.

And ya know what else?

It would hurt.


Afterwards, you'd all come and gingerly sit down and read this humble little blog, and you'd smile and laugh, and eventually, after some time you'd entirely forget about the seering ass pain that drove you here.

Let's cut out the middle-woman, shall we? All you have to do is come by and read every now and again, and I promise not to tell your mother(s). You still get all the enjoyment of reading these silly scribblings, with none of the brain-rattling spoon strikes to the hind quarters. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Now... Was that really so difficult?


Story time...

This is a little something I cooked up recently. I think it's about futility, but who really knows?

The Shocking Death of Some Guy Named Bill


This story has been taken down by me, the author. Why? Ummmm, for no really great reason. That's alright... I'm sure y'all miss it dearly already.


Keys to Success: Making Money on the Internet

I was thinking about a problem just the other day... How the hell does a creative person make money on the internet? It really isn't complicated, is it? I think the general plan looks something like this:

Step 1: Create Content
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Big Profit!

Easy, right? Oh crap... I seem to be missing something there.

Seriously though, the best way to attack a problem is to break it down. Let's start with the easiest, clearest, down-right stupidest version of the equation:

They've got money.

We want money.

If we can produce something they want, they might just be willing to trade.

Alright, simple enough. Let's step it up. Who are they?

Group 1: Viewers
There's a vast audience out there that's starved for good entertainment. It's almost mind-numbing just how many people are out there. The bad news is that, by and large, they really don't want to pay for said entertainment. The good news is that there's also...

Group 2: Advertisers
There's a massive, slavering mob of companies out there trying to sell products. They desperately want mindshare and they're willing to pay handsomely for it. There's bad news here, too: You've gotta have traffic before you can start selling ad space.

Which brings us to the next part of this little seminar.

Building Web Traffic Part 1
Work Ethic

If you build it, they will come.

Well, it's not quite that easy, but it's a start. In this business model, you must have product before you can start building traffic, and the more disciplined you are, the better your chances of succeding are.

It's not hard to find role-models, either. Take a look at Penny Arcade. When they started out, the comic wasn't particularly great. It was worth a couple chuckles, and the art was (no offense) sort of crude. Take a gander their first comic to see what I mean.

What did they do right? They're consistent. If you visit Penny Arcade today, you find 3 new strips every week like clockwork. Sometimes they're friggin' hilarious, and sometimes they're simply a "meh". What matters is that there's something new to see when you go there. Guess what else... They've got traffic like a downtown expressway at rush hour.

Let's scribble some more notes in here:

What do we know about the viewing audience?
  1. They want stuff for free.

  2. They want new stuff.

  3. They've got a damn short attention span.

  4. They, much like monkeys, are impressed by shiny things.

If someone comes to your site and sees something they like, there's a pretty good chance they'll come back. You only get one chance at a second impression, though. If they come back and all you've got is the same old shit, you can bet they're going to forget about you with astonishing speed. Not only have you lost a customer, but you've also lost the friends they would tell. Gone.

We can start drawing a little mental picture of what a successful website is. Simple, easy to navigate, with new content every other day (or more). It better damn look professional. If you can do that, you're more than half way to the goal... Those big fat, juicy green dollars.

One last thing. Put banners up. Make sure you've got one that says "Place Your Ad Here", and is just a mailto pointing to whoever's in charge of your advertising. If you wanna be really wiley, snag some big advertiser's banner and just put it up. Chevrolet might not actually be advertising on your site, but nobody else has to know that.

So, you've got the product. Now what?

Building Web Traffic Part 2
You gotta have traffic to get traffic...

Look at that line right above this one. Kind of like "You gotta spend money to make money." Sounds like a god damn trick, or an oxymoron, or something. I like to think it's a puzzle.

Let's imagine, just for a second, that you've got your site built. It's sharp, well designed, and (we'll start easy here) you're putting up new content once a week. The problem is that no one's reading it. It's like shouting down a long empty hall... Great, if you like the sound of your own voice. It isn't going to make any money, though.

So, where does traffic come from? Traffic, paradoxically, comes from traffic.

The answer is aggressive marketing. You've got to find places that already have traffic and tap into their stream. The absolute gold mine would be a mention on a major news aggregator (the MSNBC's of the world). That's probably not going to happen, so start smaller.

You're reading a webcomic and enjoying it. Drop an e-mail to the author with a link to your site. You're reading an article. Do the same. If you've got a couple bucks, buy some advertising space. Get yourself Slashdotted if you can. Spray paint your URL on the side of the god damn street. Announce every time you sneeze in every forum you can join. Make sure people see your address every way you can. It's war.

So, you've got a site, you've got some traffic. Now, how do you get that fat and dirty dollar?

Step 3: Big Profit!

Your primary source of revenue is advertising. The more traffic you've got, the more your space is worth. In order to sell that ad space, you're going to have to do some marketing... You gotta advertise yourself to advertisers.

Keep track of (or make up) the following:

  • Who your readers are (age, sex, income, location)

  • How many readers you get (daily, weekly, monthly)

  • What your ad click-through rate is

And you can't just wait for them to come to you. Be aggressive. Come up with a list of companies that you think should advertise on your site, and contact their marketing department directly. Let them know why it would be good for their business to advertise on your site. Find out who their competitors are and contact them too. Do their sites have ads on them? Contact their advertisers.

Always contact individuals. Find specific people and address them directly.

Don't let advertising be the end of your revenue either. It's great to entertain for free, but there's no reason you can't sell merchandise while you're at it. Sell print collections of your comic. Sell t-shirts. Sell stuffed freaking animals. Sell every bloody thing you can get your hands on, including the kitchen sink.

I know this is a pretty simplistic break-down, but it's a start. Once you've got a handle on the foundation, it's a lot easier to start working on the rest.
And This Concludes Today's Seminar...