Giant Roblog

A few more...

2008-03-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Due to lack of enthusiasm from the picture viewing public, I ended up doing some more work on ol' Pac-Man and his pals. The image is not only more dramatic, but also more accurate (stupid ghost colors).

The images continue to be too large for this page, and I remain too lazy to do anything about it.

...and this was the result of some experimenting with subsurface scattering. I didn't quite get the glowing effect I was after, but it's definitely serviceable.

Finally, an update on an older picture... The Long Commute 2.0.

I'm inching closer to the redesign, but nothing's ready for prime time just yet. Mostly due to that laziness mentioned above.

Now back to watching Top Chef. Until next time, keep it on ice, hep kats...

Eight Months Later...

2008-03-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe it's been so long... I'm older, grayer, but oddly none the wiser. I think I'll be rolling out a new design for the Roblog in the not-too-distant future, but it's not ready for prime-time just yet. In the mean time, how about a little bit of gallery goodness?

These pieces were all modeled and rendered with Blender (that fantastic piece of open source software that I love so very much), and post processed in some combination of Photoshop and Illustrator. Most of these were for weekend challenges at Blenderartists.org, and a few of them even won.

On with the show

These first few are too large to post in-line.

Kamon

Under New Management

The StompMaster

Fat Fight!

...and these are apparently small enough to squeeze in.

Anyway, that's enough for today. With any luck, the next update will take less than 8 months. ;)

Behold... The Day of Excitement Has Arrived!

2007-06-23T04:44:00.000-07:00

It's here. The day has arrived. Can you feel it? Is your heart racing? God, I know mine is. Cha-thumpa, cha-thumpa, cha-thumpa, cha-thumpa... Yeah. Like that.

Look! Up at the top of the screen! It's a bird. It's a plane. IT'S A NEW BANNER!

I know what you're thinking... "Doesn't that look an awful lot like the old banner?"

In fact, it does. But this one is newer, shinier, and 100% Adobe Illustrator. Frankly, that banner gives me wood. A little. Like half-mast.

The old banner can still be seen here.

But That's Not All!

My other announcement? I've just opened my own Cafe Press store front! That's right! Now you too can buy sweet freakin' shirts with my wicked awesome designs on them.

Look at you! You're naked! It's REPULSIVE! You need shirts. I need cash. Give me cash for shirts!

Buy my shirts! Tell your friends to buy my shirts. Con old ladies into BUYING MY SHIRTS!

http://www.cafepress.com/spectre7 <-- Go now, before it's too late...

A Friendly Introduction to the Command-Line

2007-06-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

This past week, I wrote a little introduction to the Unix command-line, and I liked it so darned much, I thought I'd reproduce it here. If you don't have any interest in Unix, Linux, or the command-line, this will probably bore the snot out of you.

Intro

Having just a little knowledge of the command line can go a long way, and if you learn the right tools to begin with, you'll be better equipped to teach yourself the rest.

Let's start with the basic stuff...

A Unix command-line is a user interface that allows you to control the computer by entering commands, which can be refined by the addition of arguments -- i.e. text entered after the command. Additionally, you can cause one command to feed information to the next (called piping), and thus accomplish complex tasks with only a basic toolset.

In this primer, we'll be covering the use of the BASH shell, which is the default command-line interpreter on most Linux systems.

What's the very first step? Learning not to be afraid. The command-line may look scary, what with all of its weird names and arcane symbols and giant fangs and claws, but it really just wants to be your friend. In fact, the command-line is more afraid of you than you are of it.

Useful Commands

man -- displays a manual page for a command/program. Takes a program name as an argument. Example: man man <--shows its own man page.
apropos -- displays a list of programs whose descriptions match your search term, sort of like your own personal google. Example: I'm searching for a text editor on my system, so I type apropos editor at the command line and hit enter.
ls -- lists contents of current directory (or a directory specified as an argument).
cd -- change directory. This is your primary method of "moving around." Takes a directory name as an argument. Example: cd /home/spectre/text-files
cat -- Meow. Err, umm... Asks the system to spit out the contents of a file. Not very elegant, but gets the job done. Can also be used to combine 2 or more files, but that'll wait till later. Takes file names as arguments.
less -- a text-reader of sorts. You can use less to read text-files, and you can also use it to make it easier to read another command's output. We'll cover this a little later.
grep -- search for a specific string of text. Takes two arguments; search item and file. Example: grep jenny phonebook.txt <--should return the line with Jenny's phone number on it.
pwd -- tells you which directory you're in right now. Think of pwd as the "You are here" command.
cp -- copy a file from one location to another (or from one name to another). Takes two arguments: the source file and the target.
mv -- move a file from one location to another (or from one name to anoher). Takes two arguments: the source file and the target.
ps -- lists currently running processes. More informative with the x argument --> ps x
kill -- tries to shutdown a currently running process. Takes a 4-digit numerical process identifier as an argument, which you can find with ps (see above).
rm -- removes a file. Be careful; rm is permanent.
mkdir -- make a directory.
rmdir -- remove a directory. Only works on empty directories.
clear -- clears all the junk from your screen, leaving nothing but a lonely little command prompt. Useful when you're feeling frazzled.
su -- Super-user! Type this in and the system will ask you for the root password, then POOF! Now you're root. You are the master of all you survey. Use with care; the system assumes root knows what he's doing.
logout -- for when you're done with the terminal. This will not restart the computer, only log you out. Can also be accomplished by pressing ctrl-d

Tricks & Shortcuts

These are some symbols that the command line uses to make your life easier.

* -- means "anything and everything." For example, if I wanted to see every file in a directory that started with the letter a, I'd enter this at the command-line: ls a*
? -- means "any single character." In this example, I've got a bunch of files in a directory, but I only want to see a list of numbered photos I know I left in there. ls picture?.jpg
. -- I know it's hard to see, but that's a period. He may not seem like much, be he can be pretty darned useful. All by itself, the period represents the current directory. How's that useful? Let's say I want to copy a file from another directory, I might try this: cp /home/spectre/some_useful_file ./
.. -- Seems those periods have ganged up. Two periods means the directory above this one. So, if I cd .. from /home/spectre/files I will end up in /home/spectre
| -- That's not an I like India or L like Lima. It's a pipe, and can be found on the same key as the backslash. A pipe tells the command-line to take the output of one command, and jam it into the next one. This allows you to do things like use less to read a really long directory list: ls | less
~ -- That's the tilde, which can be found (usually) just left of the 1 key. On the command-line, it's a shortcut to your home directory. For example, if I want to return to my home directory (/home/spectre) I would type cd ~ and hit enter.
> -- tells the command-line to write the output to a file. I want a list of all the files in my current directory, so I'll type: ls > list_of_files.txt
>> -- Great, now the brackets are ganging up too. This tells the command-line to add stuff to the end of a file. Continuing the example above, I've already got a file with a directory list in it, and I want to add the contents of another directory: ls /some/other/directory >> list_of_files.txt

Hints and Tips

Tired of typing so dang much? Try out auto-completion! Once you've typed in the first couple letters of something you want, hit the tab key. The command-line will try to fill in the rest for you, and it's pretty good at guessing. If it doesn't fill it in, you probably haven't entered enough letters to make it unique. Hit tab twice quickly to show a list of items that match your current entry.
Want to repeat the last thing you typed? Hit the up-arrow. The shell keeps a record of everything you've done, and you can scroll through it with the up and down arrow keys.
Not sure how a command works? You can always try the man page, but if you're in a hurry, type the command name followed by a space and --help then hit enter. Example: cp --help

Unix Directory Structure

To get you started, here's a quick map of some key directories.

/ -- This is the mother of all directories. Also called root.
/bin -- short for binaries. This is where many of your programs/commands live.
/sbin -- like /bin, but full of programs you probably won't find interesting.
/etc -- this is where system-wide configuration files live.
/boot -- where the kernel lives. Don't fool around in here.
/root -- a little confusing. This is root user's home directory.
/var -- this is a home for stuff that changes frequently, like log files and what-not.
/usr -- not what you might think. This is where nearly all of your installed programs live.
/home -- this is probably what you thought /usr was. This is where your personal stuff, and the personal stuff of any other users on the system lives.
/lib -- libraries. Not real interesting to you as a new user.
/opt -- basically like /usr, but not as frequently used.

Parting Words

That should be enough to get you started. Everything else, you can either find on your system or online with a little search in your search engine of choice. Of course, you can also ask me if it tickles your fancy. Good luck, and may the source be with you!

See... wasn't that exciting? Damn straight it was. That's not the end of it, either. In the next few days, I'll have some even more pulse-pounding news, including the premier of the brand new Giant Roblog logo! Stay tuned, true believers. I promise it'll be worth the wait.

Using a Remote Windows Printer in KDE

2007-01-30T14:55:00.000-08:00

I don't print things very often. What can I say? It's just not a paper world anymore... at least not for slackers like yours truly. When I do, I have to wrestle with one of the least pleasant parts of the Linux world, namely interoperating with Windows. I'm gonna tell you right now, it's not pretty.

The problem is that KDE's printer dialogues are, to put it eloquently, friggin' retarded. What follows is the unofficial procedure for getting your Windows printer to spit out your Unix document. If you're having problems, hopefully something here will be helpful.

First Things First...

What follows are some of the wonderful error messages you might see while trying to setup that windows printer. I'm reprinting these so all you penguin-heads out there in cyberspace can actually find this page.

If any of the following look familiar, you're reading the right page.

Error returning browse list: NT_STATUS_ACCESS_DENIED

Unable to change printer properties. Error received from manager:
You are not authorized to access the requested resource.

So, WTF do I do?

Warning: To anyone with half a functioning brain, the following walkthrough will look stupid. You have been forewarned.

Go to the K-Menu -> Control Center -> Peripherals -> Printers

Click the Administrator Mode button in the lower-left corner and enter your root password when prompted.

Click Add at the top and then Add Printer/Class...

Click Next, then choose SMB shared printer (windows) and click Next again.

Choose Anonymous (no login/password) and click Next.

Click Scan and then browse to the computer that the printer is attached to. Don't bother trying to browse to the printer itself. It won't work.

Click Back, choose Guest account (login="guest") and then click Next.

Now browse to the printer, select it and click Next.

The rest should be pretty self-explanatory. Select the make and model of printer, etc. Next, Next, Next, ad infinitum.

And that's it. Constabulations! You've just installed a printer which should now be generally accessible from programs in KDE... at least, until the next time you reboot, at which point you'll probably have to repeat this procedure. Ugh. I suppose it's not really that bad, but as I mentioned, it's pretty stupid. Hopefully this little kink will be fixed in one of the upcoming releases. It would probably help if someone entered a bugreport.

In Other News...

Man, it's been a long damn time since I made an update to the Giant Roblog. 3 months. Jeebus, where does the time go?

I've got a bunch of things to talk about, so expect some updates in the not-too-distant-future (hahahahaha).

Until then, keep it on ice, kats...

Nolo Contendre

2006-10-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, Giant Robloggers (all bleeding one of you). Seems my last post was back in August, and I can gladly say that quite a lot has changed since then. Like... stuff. Stuff has definitely changed.

shut up...

What's new, Scooby-Doo?

The biggest news is that I'm now involved with an excellent project called Extinction Level Event, which you can check out at www.extinctionlevelevent.com.

The project manager has some very keen ideas about open production and business, which long-time Robloggers know I'm all about. I'm assisting the project in a writing capacity, which while lacking the glamour and glory of the art departments, is still a necessary evil. ;)

Open Season on Writers

In other news, I'm going to be super busy for the next month. Maybe even tear-my-hair-out busy. It turns out there are a ton of short fiction contests with December 1st due dates, and very few accept simultaneous submissions. That means I have a metric assload of work to do. I've also decided to stop posting my fiction up here, since A) No one reads it anyway, and 2) Some publishers get antsy about stories that have previously been "published on the web." That's not ambiguous or anything.

On a fairly related note, I'm also going to be applying for a fellowship. "A fellowship?" You ask.

Yep. I found a school that offers fellowships for first time authors with unfinished manuscripts. That description smells and awful lot like me. Terms of the fellowship include room and board on campus for a period of nine months, as well as a $10,000 stipend, under the conditions that the author is expected to finish the novel during his residence, as well as make some time available to talk to kids who're interested in writing. I think I can handle that.

I expect competition to be fierce, and I think I'm probably at a disadvantage, considering the fact that my trouser-combusting novel is both genre fiction and violent as hell. On the plus side, it does set pants on fire, and that's bound to impress somebody on the review committee. Here's hoping that the committee wears unusually flammable jockies.

From the Promotions Department

An old friend of mine has his second book coming out in November. The author is Simon Read and the book is In the Dark: The True Story of the Blackout Ripper.

Simon's an outstanding fellow, and he writes about some truly gruesome subjects. Show him some love and buy a couple copies of his book(s). Read them. Enjoy them. Give them to friends and family. Nothing says "I love you" like jamming a true crime book in someone's christmas stocking.

All Hallows Eve

Looks like I don't have any real plans for Halloween this year. That's another perfectly good, spooky holiday down the drain. All I can do is plan for next year, and hoo-boy, am I planning for next year.

Initially, what I wanted to do was get 10-20 friends together, dress everyone up as zombies, and shamble down the streets together in character for several hours on Halloween night. Now, I want more.

Imagine, if you will, groups like this in every city in the nation. Halloween night will be a simulated zombie apocalypse. What the hell could be sweeter than that?

How can you help? Spread the word. Organize a local zombie group, and prepare yourselves to scare the crap out of the country next year. The zombie apocalypse is coming to get you, Barbara. MuhuhAhaHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wrapping Up

That's about all for this update, Robloggers. As a final note, I've got the finished renders of that Wii-Mote I was working on. All-in-all, I think it came out pretty well. Linkage below.

Cool pic

Bigger, less cool pic

Also, in case y'all didn't notice, I've updated the page graphics again. This pass was mostly just to sharpen and expand on the original update. Let me know if this isn't working for you... or lie to me. One of the two.

Keep it on ice, hep kats...

IN 3D!

2006-08-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today's topic is software. Don't attempt to change the channel. You have no choice in this matter. Just sit back and take yer medicine, damn it.

Can I tell you something personal? It's sort of embarrassing. The thing is, I have an obsession; one which isn't entirely healthy. You see, I'm obsessed with computer generated 3D graphics. I have been for the entirety of my short, strange life, and I don't expect it to end anytime soon.

If I had to guess, I'd say it probably started the first time I saw Tron, and then got progressively worse with release of The Last Starfighter and the many thousands of CG laden blockbusters that followed in their wake.

This obsession of mine grew and mutated with time, eventually driving me to a video gaming addiction - the refined heroin to 3d animation's crude opium. I gaped in wonder at the rendering that gave those games life, and I ruthlessly shot those renderings to pieces with all sorts of digital weaponry. More than anything, I longed to be part of that process... Not just a consumer or virtual destroyer, but an actual creator.

So I tried. Year after tedious year, I'd dig into this or that graphics program, but it somehow never stuck. I couldn't produce anything that satisfied my urge, and the frustration routinely sent me off into month-long video game benders. I shudder to think what terrible things might've happened if there weren't countless legions of hapless gamers to slaughter online. I absolutely shudder.

These (mostly) weren't half-hearted efforts, either. I *ahem* acquired a number of different 3D apps by one method or another and gave them each a fair shake, but for some reason, not a one of them clicked. My first experiments were in Caligari Truespace, but I can't say I took that very seriously - and I'm not alone in that. Later, I bashed my head against Kinetix/Discreet/Autodesk's 3D Studio Max, all the while spending hundreds of smackaroos on very well regarded textbooks. That was all for naught - I never constructed anything more complex than a pair of dice.

I seem to recall looking at the Maya interface once. I have vague recollections of what it looked like in the brief moment between loading the app and when I clicked the X in the corner. Good times...

Which brings us up to the present. This past week, I dove head-first into Blender - The 3D Program everyone loves to hate. I kid you not. I've never run across a user interface that inspires the kind of animosity that Blender's does. Artists who are well acquainted with better known packages such as Max and Maya tend to view Blender's interface as a personal insult... It's as if Blender looks them dead in the eyes, curls its lip and calls their mothers whores.

I find it more than a little hilarious.

Considering my life long devotions to swimming upstream and laughing in the faces of nay-sayers, it was only a matter of time until I started working in Blender. Oh yeah. It's also free. As in speech and beer. Perfect for someone like me, who's both in love with open source software and flat broke.

I messed around with it a couple months back, but not enough to get a real handle on it. This time's been different. I got myself hip deep in articles, tutorials, videos, and forums. This time it clicked. I'm really getting the hang of it. All it took was the single most maddening interface in computer graphics and my own bull-headed obstinance.

So, on to the candy. Anyone who knows me at all knows what a giant Nintendo fanboy I am...... *cough cough* Sooooooo.... It's only natural that I'd have a keen interest in the Revolu^H^H^H^H, errr, Wii. As part of a project I'm working, I produced this:

It's rough, but considering my utter inability to produce anything in 3D before, I think it's really something. Remaining tasks include adding the battery-cover on the bottom, texturing the top, and making some of them buttons transparent. That'll have to wait until I get some more coffee in me.

That's all for this update. Next installment, I'll be talking about some wicked graphic sites I've found in the past couple weeks. Until then, see you, space cowboys...

It Keeps Regenerating Itself

2006-07-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

...no matter what we throw at it, it just comes back.

General, I think this Giant Roblog is unstoppable!

Well - I haven't updated in nearly two months. Considering this fact, it's kind of surprising that I'm only the second most boring blogger alive. The most boring is Ted McGillinsley of Wooster, OH who writes twice a day about his collection of common nickles.

Suck it, Ted!

Anyway, on with the show...

Is this the true form of the Mighty Giant Roblog?!

Truth be told, the only reason I'm writing this is because I revamped the Giant Roblog (just in case any of you out there in my dedicated legion of fans didn't notice). I was in a bad mood, and I started piecing together a banner to get my mind off of things. Fast forward a couple hours and I redesigned the whole blamed thing.

I'm quite proud to announce that all graphics on Giant Roblog were produced with free and open-source software. Chief amongst the apps was Xara LX, which I've been getting the hang of the past few days. I'm really quite enamored with it, actually.

Xara started out life as closed-source proprietary software, and was even a Corel product at one point. They announced they were open sourcing Xara last October, and development has apparently been humming along ever since. The current version (.6) is quite usable, if a little rough around the edges (and crashy).

Check it out here:
Xara Xtreme

More Updates Forthcoming

Yep, you read them big words right. I'm making an effort to actually... ya know... blog. Nobody reads this, but working on it regularly couldn't hurt. Anything that keeps them typing fingers a tip-type-tapping.

See ya later this week, Giant Robloggers...

Been a long time...

2006-06-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

Been a long time, been long lonely lonely lonely lonely time.

Why? Well, I haven't had much to report.

Ummmm..........

I've been putting together a metric ass-load of wallpapers recently. All have been released under a Creative Commons license because, well, CC is swank.

You can take a look at my desktop decorations at:
KDE-look.org, the official place to decorate your KDE desktop.

I'm also working on a new project. When I'm not getting work done on my trouser-blazing fantasy novel, I'm also working on a short story collection. I bill it as a collection of stories for adults who have the sensibilities of children. The stories are all in the genre of Fantastic Realism, a genre-name which I don't believe has been applied to fiction before.

That's all for this - ummm - month? Until next time, be still my bleeting little lambs...

Apophthegm

2006-04-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

Doesn't look like a real word, does it?

I'm feeling a little preachy... I hope you can forgive me. You see, while hiking the other day, I was chewing on this little thought. The chewing turned to contemplating, which itself finally turned into full-on, hardcore waxing philosophical. Around the time I was beginning to wonder if my heels were bleeding, I had boiled my precious little thought down to the following -

We should use our fears as motivation; not as something to run from, but rather something to advance toward, so that we may learn to accept them, understand them, and with time, outgrow them.

That is all...

Pornifesto

2006-03-31T22:44:00.000-08:00

Warning! Today's column is not for children. I guess.

I'd like to be serious for a moment here. I know that's out of character, but I'm very worried about something near and dear to my heart. You see, there's a crisis facing this nation, a crisis of swollen, one might even say turgid proportions. It is a crisis upon which the future of our nation and fine culture hangs, threatening to plunge us all into a dark, depraved abyss from which we may never truly escape. I'm speaking of course about Porn.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen... I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm talking about pornography, also known as pr0n, smut, filth, horndography, and many other names too libidinous, too salacious, and too dirty not to enjoy.

Today, our porn is in danger. Grave danger. Without immediate intervention, all hope might be lost. Obviously, porn itself won't disappear... It will always survive in some fashion, hiding in dark places like a house-rat. The problem is that it will have lost its soul.

Every year, the pornographic industry reaches for new extremes in order to tittilate our under-laid and increasingly disaffected population. Where it was sufficient in the past to simply reveal some skin and copulate, modern pornography features multi-ethnic lolitas being gang-banged by entire petting zoos just to achieve the same effect. Where will it end?

The danger here is that we appear to be reaching a limit. Pornography can, after all, only be so perverse. Acts that were unthinkable only a couple years ago are now prosaic - the absolute minimum that a new starlet must perform to make a living in the industry.

I'm utterly serious here. Two decades ago, a comely young lass could wrap up a day of work with a blowjob and some intercourse. Today's porn landscape demands double-penetration, silicone-enhanced tit-fucking, face-fucking, a gaping look at her duodenum and a multi-horse bukkake finish. That's a day's work.

But I haven't even gotten to the depressing part yet. In the race to achieve the ultimate level of depravity, porn has become oddly sterile, emotionless, inhuman. Storylines and characters disappeared entirely, replaced with the Gonzo-style, where performers openly acknowledge that they're screwing in front of cameras. Make-believe is dead, and performances now lack even the subtlest hint of desire... We, the porn-viewing-public, are settling for steady-cam recordings of inhuman fucking-machines doing their machine-like work.

The average modern porn scene is about as hot as watching a construction worker break-up concrete.

It's getting boring, and it's time for a change. Porn should inspire heavy-breathing, racing pulses and erections, not fast-forwarding and yawning. What we need is a revolution. A porno revolution.

The Porno Revolution

Let's take a moment to reflect on the porn of the '70s. Back then, porn was of a very different breed. It was the era of cheesy storylines and mustaches. Oddly enough, even though the films were driven by paper-thin plots, they offered something that today's Gonzo porn does not: Reality.

They were real people... Real horndogs with real smiles on their faces. They looked like people you might run into at the burger joint, wearing too-tight jeans. They had real bodies, with *gasp* real body hair, and you know what else? They really wanted to fuck eachother. It wasn't just business; it was honest-to-goodness lust.

Watching porn from the '70s leaves you with a different feeling than today's porn. When they tear off eachother's clothes, revealing the fleshy, hairy bodies beneath, you feel a little perverse. A little naughty, like you're peeping through someone's window, or watching their home movies.

That's how it should be.

Now, I'm not saying that the porn of the '70s was perfect. It wasn't perfect, but it's still remarkably hot, and that's something to take note of. I think it can point us towards a better pornography.

Today's pornography, in comparison, features actors and actresses of almost super-human proportions. Men are chiseled, muscular powerhouses with massive schlangs, while women are finely sculpted curves and over-inflated tits. They ceased being real people. They've become animated department store mannequins, exhibiting as much passion as a clerk filing paper work.

Pornography loses its power when it ceases being an approachable fantasy... That is, when the viewer stops being able to imagine themselves in the scene. In modern pornography, the viewer can't actually identify with anybody in a scene. Instead, it's some strangely over-idealized spectacle. It's caricature. It's symbolic of sex, rather than representative, and meanwhile manages to skip everything that makes real sex dirty.

What we need is a return to the real.

Toward Tomorrow's Porn

Foundation

What I want is pretty simple; I want to be turned on. Curiously, a lot of "turned on" for me is situational, and it has a lot to do with energy and chemistry. I want to see people that want to fuck eachother. Correction - I want to watch people that need to fuck eachother.

Either get actors/actresses that are seriously horny for one another, or fool me. I don't care which.

Now on to the specifics...

Step 1 - Breaking Routine

How many times have you seen this:
Blowjob -> Eat out -> Missionary -> Doggy -> Anal -> Blowjob Reprisal -> Facial

Sure - every scene has tiny variations on the theme, and different producers will tend to focus on different elements, but this same basic formula is almost always there. It's tiresome, isn't it?

Currently, the average scene either adheres to this formula (give or take), or specializes on just one act (fetishizes). This doesn't work for me. I get burned out. I might be obsessed with sex, but I'm not a fetishist, and I think that describes most people. Give us a little change-up. Give us variety.

Porn needs to break out of the routine. Don't make it easy for the viewer to predict what's going to happen next... Surprise us. Predictable, heavily scripted scenes destroy the illusion of spontaneity. I don't want to detect the invisible hand of the director. I just want to watch people fuck.

What I'm suggesting is more organic scene selection. Every now and then, a scene should just be about a blowjob. Sometimes, a couple might spontaneously fuck against a wall. On other occasions, perhaps they blow, munch, and then finish with some good ol' missionary. Hell, maybe they just feel eachother up. Switch. It. Up.

And please, please remember... Not every scene has to end in a facial.

Step 2 - Body Work

I want to see people that look like people. That means a little extra fat here-and-there, body hair, and real breast's for god's sake (anyone remember those?). The industry standards of beach-ball tits and 20-inch cocks are more distracting than exciting. Get over it already.

Step 3 - Having Fun

I want to believe that the actors and actresses are enjoying themselves. I don't want to detect a hint of boredom. They shouldn't look like they're at work. I've got enough of that in my own life. Let them have fun. Let them have senses of humor. Let them tease and entice eachother.

For humanity's sake, I'd also like to see a bit more kissing. Maybe that's just me.

Step 4 - Skillful Editing

Look Mr. Porn Director... I know it was hard work getting 15 minutes of sex on film. Still, you don't have to put it all in. We're just going to fast-forward through the boring parts, anyway.

While we're at it, it wouldn't hurt to study actual film-making. You're not shooting a documentary. It's entertainment. Give us some cuts of reactions... Gasps, sighs, smiles, giggles, necking, huffing and puffing... Tell a damn story with your film. Otherwise I might just flip over to the Discovery Channel and watch buffalos fuck. Odds are, it'll have roughly the same effect.

...And That's The New Porno Movement

These are four simple pillars of a new pornography. A better pornography. A hotter pornography. In honor of Dogme95, I hereby dub this movement Shagme06.

Tell a friend.

And in other news...

Of course, I've got a backup plan in case my exciting new movement fails. I'm going to start a new fetish: People screwing while wearing stupid hats.

I call it Chapeau.

Hey, who doesn't like stupid hats?

Until next time, keep it on ice hep kats...

Follow Ups

2006-03-26T03:10:00.000-08:00

Tonight finds me in an 'update' mood, so update I shall. God bless the bottle of wine working its way through my veins.

My dogs are barking...

About that pair of Rod Lavers... Good news. I'm finding them more comfortable as I go. Either that or I really like the way they look, and I'm learning to enjoy the pain. Stranger things have been known to happen.

And they're really good for hacky-sack.

...

Shut up.

Ow, my feet.

Abracadabra

My computer now changes its wallpaper to match the day or night. How awesome is that? Well, kind of dorky, but I don't care. I like it. It took a lot of trial and error to arrive at a working answer, but I learned a good number of things about cron and shell scripts in the process.

It's always fun when you get to type out crap like:
CURRENTDESKTOP=`/opt/kde/bin/dcop --user spectre7 kdesktop KBackgroundIface currentWallpaper 1`

Well, I think it's fun.

Didn't I already tell you to shut up?

On that note, I'm considering writing a guide to getting started with Linux. It seems like the type of thing that would have a pretty good market... I mean, frustration with Microsoft is at an all-time high, even with non-techies. Of course, this project will have to take a back seat to finishing my pants-igniting fantasy novel...

On Writer's Block

Yep... I still haven't cured myself of that affliction just yet. Extended bouts of writer's block usually stem from story problems in my experience. If you're not particularly happy with where you are in the story, it's damn hard to proceed. Makes some kind of sense, doesn't it?

I intend to cure this writer's block with...... Hell, I'm not sure. Something. I will finish this god damned book before I'm 26. That much is for sure. How's that for a cure?

Seu Jorge

I'm currently listening to Seu Jorge who was responsible for most of the music in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou. I can hartily recommend them both. How can I describe the music? It's a Brazilian fellow performing a bunchy-load of Ziggy Stardust songs in portuguese with an acoustic guitar. What doesn't sound awesome about that? And the movie? Imagine a run-down, American Jacques Cousteau hunting down a striped shark that ate his friend. What does this all add up to? A lot of entertainment, and me over-using question marks.

Deal.

????????????????????????????????????????

That's all for tonight. Keep it on ice, hep kats...

For Lack of Good Seasons

2006-03-23T02:10:00.000-08:00

Today marks the return of my Word-A-Day assault on mutual-english-comprehension. Sadly, I don't remember a single one of the words I invented in the past... Oh criminy, month and a half since I last posted one. It doesn't matter. I'm (mildly) confident they all sucked, anyway.

Today's new word is:

Sprinter

What's that you say? The word "Sprinter" already exists? Like hell it does.

Sprinter
noun

That season occuring between Winter and Spring, noted for its general grey-ness and lack of truly interesting weather.

adjective
Of, relating to, occurring in, or appropriate to the season of Sprinter: sprinter day, sprinter gloom

[Middle-Californian portmanteau of Spring and Winter... and "Wing" sounded like crap.]

The Further Adventures...

2006-03-22T02:18:00.000-08:00

I'm in a summarizing mood, so I'm going to chronicle my most recent adventures in chewy, bite-sized pieces tonight. Feel free to enjoy these adventures with a refreshing beverage.

Geisha Feet

I got myself a brand-spankin' new pair of shoes... a pair of Rod Lavers. Against my own better judgement, I ordered online and had them delivered. Needless to say, they are not the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn. I'll be damned if they don't look sweet though. If I'm lucky, the leather will stretch.... Not that I've ever been particularly lucky before.

Street Solder

Circuit boards continue to taunt me. Those which I haven't retardedly broken through my own gross negligence seem to eventually fail of their own accord. The most recent casualty was my Soundblaster Live!, may it rest in peace... Or in my sock-drawer. In an unusual spate of luck, it turns out that my motherboard has an onboard AC97 soundchip which I oddly, perhaps presciently included support for in my kernel. Will wonders never cease?

The DVD on my Xbox is flaky as hell, and for that, I extend my middle-finger in the direction of Redmond, Washington. I've dismantled and cleaned the device (Spectre counts on fingers)... ummm, several times. The good news is that it crashes less now. Yay for 'less'.

The best news is that I finally repaired my headset. A little background... About a month ago, I stupidly hooked the on-cable volume control to my belt. This might not have been so stupid, had I not also absent-mindedly rested my foot on the other end of the cable. Imagine this... Headset on my head (fancy that), volume control hooked to belt, foot on other end of cable. Now... imagine me trying to stand up.

CRUNCH!

My soldering skills are typically... *ahem* pathetic. The wire leads that attach the microphone to the volume control board are miniscule. The combination of these two factors should be a recipe for disaster, or at least comedy. The shocker here is that I actually fixed it. What'd I just say? That's right, I actually fixed it on my first try. Suck on that, incompetence! I solder on...

There's Magic in that Command Line

I'm not completely sure when I switched over, but I've been rockin' the penguin for about a year now. I've gotten myself pretty well acquainted with the OS (I like to think), but it's time to take the next step. It's time to become a Command Line Wizard.

Now, before I started on this little adventure, I wasn't totally command-line ignorant. I knew my way around the filesystem, and I had a pretty good grasp of basic file management and what-not, but... What's the fun of the Unixy-world without writing scripts?

So, I started assigning myself projects. My first project came about because I wanted to prove someone else was an idiot (funny how many of my projects start that way). The goal? To write a Bash script that scans through a directory and its subdirectories and changes every upper-case letter to a lower-case letter. I had a working version that night (Yipee!).

Today, I made myself a day-time and night-time wallpaper. My project, once I chose to accept it, was to automate switching between the two wallpapers. I couldn't (quickly) figure out a way to grab times for sunrise and sunset, so instead it switches desktop at 6:30am and 6:30pm, and that's good enough.... At least, I suspect it's good enough. I should know some time tomorrow afternoon.

Oh no!

Selected excerpts from inside my head during the past week:

Ow, my damn finger!

Jesus, haven't I finished writing that book?

That 15 year old girl thinks I'm a bit tooooo funny.

Ow, my damn finger!

Why does my room smell like that?

OW! Damn you, finger!

On Writer's Block

It's a bitch. 'Nuff said.

On Silly Trademarks

It seems that Marvel and DC have jointly trademarked the term "Super-Hero". Hmmm... Perhaps I should trademark "Get fucked, you cock-biting shit lickers!" and patent a method for flipping them off.
The preceding snarkiness brought to you by Swear-O-Matic 3000!

Shaun of the Dead

Just thought I'd drop a little note about this fine movie. If you like zombies and british humor....... well, then you've probably already seen it.

Stanton Moore

You like jazz? Well, I do. I'm listening to Stanton Moore's Flyin' The Koop right now, and it's a right fine album. I like it more every time I hear it. Good stuff. Yeah. If you were expecting an in depth music review, I exist only to disappoint you.

And?

I guess that's about it. Exciting life, isn't it? Next week, I'll... umm... Probably be passed out or something.

Cheers!

Word Quest Continues - Who's Skitchin'?

2006-02-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

Today on Giant Roblog, we have a new word and an update on yesterday's word. Without any futher ado, let's jump right on in.

Ashes to ashes, and all that jazz...

My brother wrote in to inform me that I wasn't using Eugooglize as he had defined it. Actually, he didn't "write in", but that sounds nicer than "he ducked his head into my room". Similarly, he didn't phrase his complaint quite like that, but I'm going to persist with the edited version for decency's sake.

Apparently, Eugooglizing is the act of googling someone's life story and/or accomplishments upon hearing of their death. So, to work with yesterday's example:

"Hey, the news just said Abe Vigoda died. What was he in?"
"Let me just google him up... Hmmm. Looks like he was in a bunch of stuff. The Godfather, some cop shows, Fish..."
"Fish, that's what I was thinking of. Poor Abe."
"We'll miss you dearly, Fish."

note: Abe Vigoda is still alive. Check www.abevigoda.com for more information.

Today's Word: Skitch

noun

A short, improvisational play performed on the street, usually while soliciting money.

intransitive verb
skitch, skitching, skitched

The act of performing short, improvisational plays on the street, usually while soliciting money.

Etymology:
The word is a combination of the words Sketch and Skit, which are nearly synonymous. The usage is similar to that of Busking.

Examples:
"Are you still doing improv?"
"Yeah. On the weekends, me and my troop skitch on University Avenue. We be skitchin', bitch."

And that's all for today. Come back tomorrow for another useless word!

Today's Word - Eugooglize

2006-01-31T15:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the second day in my personal quest to extend the english lexicon beyond the limits of reason. Today's word was offered by my brother, who is that guy... That's right, he's the last man in america without a blog. I considered turning it away as punishment for his inability to conform, but there's no sense in punishing a perfectly good word for his sins.

Today's word is
Eugooglize

transitive verb

To search for news of someone's demise on the internet, especially when searching with Google.

Usage:
"Is Abe Vigoda still alive?"
"Let me eugooglize him... Why, it says right here at www.abevigoda.com that he is, in fact, still alive.
"Well fancy that."

Etymology:
Eugooglize is a combination of the words Eulogy and Google. The first known occurance of the word was in the film Zoolander, but it appeared there with a different meaning. In the original context, "Eugoogalize" and "Eugoogaly" were simple mispronunciations of the words "Eulogize" and "Eulogy" respectively.

New Word

2006-01-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

New words are great, aren't they? I think everyone should invent a new word every day. If we all did, the english language would be rendered mutually unintelligeable in a matter of days. How fabulous would that be?

Whaddyu mean that would suck?

...

Well, frankly I don't give a crap. In fact, I'm going to start the ball rolling. We, or rather "Me" here at Giant Roblog will be introducing a new word daily... or whenever I bloody well feel like it, which might be more than daily, or more likely quite less often than daily. Time will tell.

Today's new word:
Sitcommercial

noun

1. A hybrid commercial and sit-com. They are short, interstitial ads that involve continuing situational comedy with a regular cast of characters.

Examples of Sitcommercials:
The Capitol One ads involving David Spade and his protege`, Chubbsy.
The Burger King ads that take place in an office, usually during lunch.
The Grape Nuts commercials, with a manager trying to fire his crunch-deafened employee.

Sadly, a Google search has just proven that I did not, in fact, coin this term. Bugger.

Till next time, keep it on ice.

Pointless Jibber Jabber

2006-01-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

The internet proves its boundless utility yet again. This time, it told me I'm happy and well adjusted. Whoda thunkit?

Your Social Dysfunction:
Happy

You're a happy person - you have a good amount of self-esteem, and are socially healthy. While this isn't a social dysfunction per se, you're definitely not normal. Consider yourself lucky: you walk that fine line between 'normal' and being outright narcissistic. You're rare - which is something else to be happy about.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

They made a mistake, though: I am outright narcissistic. C'est la vie.

Sunday Punch

2006-01-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

Here's a true story from a couple sundays ago. It could stand to be cleaned up a bit, but I still think it's fairly entertaining. Without further ado...

Edit!

Another day, another removed story. Love isn't free, after-all.

Sir Lucien and the Great Sickness

2006-01-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Edit!

This story has been removed to punish you for not eating your veggies. Suffer, you malnutritioned imbecile!

Shame on you all...

2006-01-17T02:47:00.000-08:00

That's right. You heard me. I know you're not reading this blog, and ya know what? Shame on you. Shame on each and every one of you.

If your mothers knew, they'd paddle your collective ass with a spoon. A big, wooden spoon. Slotted, no doubt.

And ya know what else?

It would hurt.

Bad.

Afterwards, you'd all come and gingerly sit down and read this humble little blog, and you'd smile and laugh, and eventually, after some time you'd entirely forget about the seering ass pain that drove you here.

Let's cut out the middle-woman, shall we? All you have to do is come by and read every now and again, and I promise not to tell your mother(s). You still get all the enjoyment of reading these silly scribblings, with none of the brain-rattling spoon strikes to the hind quarters. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Now... Was that really so difficult?

Story time...

2006-01-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

This is a little something I cooked up recently. I think it's about futility, but who really knows?

The Shocking Death of Some Guy Named Bill

Edit!

This story has been taken down by me, the author. Why? Ummmm, for no really great reason. That's alright... I'm sure y'all miss it dearly already.

Keys to Success: Making Money on the Internet

2006-01-09T18:16:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about a problem just the other day... How the hell does a creative person make money on the internet? It really isn't complicated, is it? I think the general plan looks something like this:

Step 1: Create Content
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Big Profit!

Easy, right? Oh crap... I seem to be missing something there.

Seriously though, the best way to attack a problem is to break it down. Let's start with the easiest, clearest, down-right stupidest version of the equation:

 
They've got money.

We want money.

If we can produce something they want, they might just be willing to trade.

Alright, simple enough. Let's step it up. Who are they?

Group 1: Viewers
There's a vast audience out there that's starved for good entertainment. It's almost mind-numbing just how many people are out there. The bad news is that, by and large, they really don't want to pay for said entertainment. The good news is that there's also...

Group 2: Advertisers
There's a massive, slavering mob of companies out there trying to sell products. They desperately want mindshare and they're willing to pay handsomely for it. There's bad news here, too: You've gotta have traffic before you can start selling ad space.

Which brings us to the next part of this little seminar.

Building Web Traffic Part 1
Work Ethic

If you build it, they will come.

Well, it's not quite that easy, but it's a start. In this business model, you must have product before you can start building traffic, and the more disciplined you are, the better your chances of succeding are.

It's not hard to find role-models, either. Take a look at Penny Arcade. When they started out, the comic wasn't particularly great. It was worth a couple chuckles, and the art was (no offense) sort of crude. Take a gander their first comic to see what I mean.

What did they do right? They're consistent. If you visit Penny Arcade today, you find 3 new strips every week like clockwork. Sometimes they're friggin' hilarious, and sometimes they're simply a "meh". What matters is that there's something new to see when you go there. Guess what else... They've got traffic like a downtown expressway at rush hour.

Let's scribble some more notes in here:

What do we know about the viewing audience?

They want stuff for free.

They want new stuff.

They've got a damn short attention span.

They, much like monkeys, are impressed by shiny things.

If someone comes to your site and sees something they like, there's a pretty good chance they'll come back. You only get one chance at a second impression, though. If they come back and all you've got is the same old shit, you can bet they're going to forget about you with astonishing speed. Not only have you lost a customer, but you've also lost the friends they would tell. Gone.

We can start drawing a little mental picture of what a successful website is. Simple, easy to navigate, with new content every other day (or more). It better damn look professional. If you can do that, you're more than half way to the goal... Those big fat, juicy green dollars.

One last thing. Put banners up. Make sure you've got one that says "Place Your Ad Here", and is just a mailto pointing to whoever's in charge of your advertising. If you wanna be really wiley, snag some big advertiser's banner and just put it up. Chevrolet might not actually be advertising on your site, but nobody else has to know that.

So, you've got the product. Now what?

Building Web Traffic Part 2
You gotta have traffic to get traffic...

Look at that line right above this one. Kind of like "You gotta spend money to make money." Sounds like a god damn trick, or an oxymoron, or something. I like to think it's a puzzle.

Let's imagine, just for a second, that you've got your site built. It's sharp, well designed, and (we'll start easy here) you're putting up new content once a week. The problem is that no one's reading it. It's like shouting down a long empty hall... Great, if you like the sound of your own voice. It isn't going to make any money, though.

So, where does traffic come from? Traffic, paradoxically, comes from traffic.

The answer is aggressive marketing. You've got to find places that already have traffic and tap into their stream. The absolute gold mine would be a mention on a major news aggregator (the MSNBC's of the world). That's probably not going to happen, so start smaller.

You're reading a webcomic and enjoying it. Drop an e-mail to the author with a link to your site. You're reading an article. Do the same. If you've got a couple bucks, buy some advertising space. Get yourself Slashdotted if you can. Spray paint your URL on the side of the god damn street. Announce every time you sneeze in every forum you can join. Make sure people see your address every way you can. It's war.

So, you've got a site, you've got some traffic. Now, how do you get that fat and dirty dollar?

Step 3: Big Profit!

Your primary source of revenue is advertising. The more traffic you've got, the more your space is worth. In order to sell that ad space, you're going to have to do some marketing... You gotta advertise yourself to advertisers.

Keep track of (or make up) the following:

Who your readers are (age, sex, income, location)
How many readers you get (daily, weekly, monthly)

What your ad click-through rate is

And you can't just wait for them to come to you. Be aggressive. Come up with a list of companies that you think should advertise on your site, and contact their marketing department directly. Let them know why it would be good for their business to advertise on your site. Find out who their competitors are and contact them too. Do their sites have ads on them? Contact their advertisers.

Always contact individuals. Find specific people and address them directly.

Don't let advertising be the end of your revenue either. It's great to entertain for free, but there's no reason you can't sell merchandise while you're at it. Sell print collections of your comic. Sell t-shirts. Sell stuffed freaking animals. Sell every bloody thing you can get your hands on, including the kitchen sink.

I know this is a pretty simplistic break-down, but it's a start. Once you've got a handle on the foundation, it's a lot easier to start working on the rest.
And This Concludes Today's Seminar...

And now for something completely different...

2005-12-16T23:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight je vous presente a small interlude, which is (I promise) more comical than it might at first seem. It's a story in the form of a very pretentious letter. I hope you enjoy... Or rot in hell. Whichever.

My Dearest Annette,

It was not a happy time. I would prefer not to tell you what I would have traded during my ordeal for even an ounce of tenderness, administered from the hands of a stranger. It should please you to know that I enjoyed no such ministrations. In retrospect, it's clear that such a thing was not meant to be. It was my plight, and I now understand it all too well.

Alone, I toiled in near darkness beneath the sparse light of the smoke spitting oil lamp which you presented to me on the occasion of my graduation from academy. With cramped hand, I worked at my masterpiece tirelessly, wordlessly, free of every distraction save the sound of my own ragged breathing, and I truthfully cannot imagine how much time passed. Whether it was months or years, I do not know. The memory assaults my mind fitfully, striking here and there without rhyme or reason as a guerilla might, never revealing itself for more than an instant for fear of riposte.

And what, pray tell, do I have to show for this herculean effort? What spoils did I recover from the private war I waged against silence? After all of those countless hours spent deadlocked in mortal combat against the wages of eternity itself, with naught to wield but a single quill and an inkwell full of ammunition, I can honestly report that I have gained nothing... I have absolutely and frankly nothing to show for it.

I can imagine right at this moment the look of astonishment and outrage that is surely twisting your lovely visage. “How?” You are asking in your honey sweetened voice. “Why?”

The answer is as simple as it is poetic, and shall no doubt solve another mystery presently troubling you. If you will grant me but one more tender mercy, allow me to conjur for you an image. There I sat in that mouse hole I once called a home, doubled over and contorted as a once proud vine deprived for too long of water and sunlight. Within the weakened grasp of my oil and dirt caked hands was the finished product of my efforts. The manuscript into which I had poured every last drop of my blood and vigor was complete, and all that remained of its extended gestation was the act of delivery. I was, to put it mildly, imbued from head to toe with a satisfaction that transcended human consciousness, rivaled only by that of Mary following the birth of the Christ or perhaps of God Himself as He settled down to rest on the seventh day.

For the first time in my life, a smile threatened to connect my ears by one massive, curving chasm, yet the existence of that smile was tragically cut short, for it was in that moment that the vile, traitorous oil lamp which had faithfully served as my sole companion throughout the ordeal decided in one fitful cough to tip over and spill its incendiary contents across my desk. In the span of a single human heartbeat, the flames danced out and across the oak desk and further across the parchment that was my manuscript, then proceeded to engulf the rest of my contemptible and tinderbox like home, and the entirety of the building to which it belonged in a rage of demonic flames the likes of which even the depths of hell might fail to produce.

That, my dear, is why there is nothing to show for the aeons I have spent sequestered in pursuit of greatness, and consequently also why you will find within this parcel the shattered remains of the oil lamp you presented to me on the occasion of my graduation from academy. May its remains serve you as well as they did me.

Rot in hell,
Your Fiance
Everett McAllister

P.S. Should you care to contact me, I may be found at the bottom of a bottle, or else face down in a gutter somewhere.

Although I prefer a shorter, punchier style in my usual writing, I also think it can be a helluva lot of fun to ham it up and watch those sentences run on and on. Run, tired little sentences. Run for your lives.

Until next time,
Keep it on ice, hep kats...

Write Thinking - Giant Roblog's New Column

2005-12-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

The only constant is change...

Ready for a format change, Giant Robloggers? Today marks the introduction of Giant Roblog's first continuing, semi-regular column... Write Thinking. Posts marked as Write Thinking will contain articles on the craft of writing, with a heavy bias on fantasy writing skills.

Without further ado...

Write Thinking #1

Creating Characters Who Live And Breathe

"Character is what you are in the dark."
Lord John Whorfin

Something just wasn't working in my novel. The plot was honed to a razor's edge, but for some reason I kept getting stuck. The plain fact of the matter was that I just wasn't interested in what was going on... Worse, my characters weren't interested either. Everyone was simply going through the paces, spitting out their trite lines and getting on with business. There was no passion, no vigor. There were no signs of life.

The problem was that I didn't really know my characters that well. That is, I knew all of the facts about their lives, but I didn't know who they were. They were little more than shallow archetypes... Granted, archetypes who did weird things, but archetypes none-the-less.

It was time to go back to the drawing board and really investigate these imaginary people. I needed to know what made them interesting people. More than anything, my characters needed contradiction.

Randolph's Law of Character:
Archetypes are boring;
Interesting characters are born from
their own contradictions.

Most of my characters were shallow stereotypes (which are a sort of archetype), and that just isn't satisfactory. Archetypes have no momentum. You're forced to drive them like cattle. On the other hand, interesting characters... Real, living, vital characters will tell the story for you. They'll do what they want to with or without you, and captivate readers as they go.

So, how does a writer create a living, breathing character? It's all about finding a character's contradictions. You have to examine the situations where a character will act "out of character", because that's where dimension and depth hide. Characters who always act "in character" are stale and predictable. They're mechanical, rather than organic. To most people, they're alien.

To take it a step further, an archetype only truly becomes a “character” when they do something uncharacteristic. They need to break out of the mould if they're going to live. Each and every human being is a walking mass of contradictions, capable of investing in multiple, mutually-exclusive beliefs all at once. It's what separates us from software. Without contradiction, a character simply looks like a cardboard cut-out.

Large contradictions are the engines of plot, while small contradictions are subtle details which make a character real. In order for a character to be well rounded, they must be composed of both large and small contradictions in their morals, interests and preferences.

Which leads us to this weeks exercise: Character Sketching

By "Sketch", I don't mean a drawing (but those can help). Instead, what we're going to be doing is describing a character in quick, rough terms. It's a quick and dirty description of who they are.

This is a really simple exercise, but it can do wonders for your writing. The better acquainted you are with your characters, the more the story will tend to write itself. When you get to a difficult part of a story, you don't have to imagine how a character would react. You already know.

In order to complete this exercise, you're going to need a notebook (or a pad of paper, or word processor, or blood & parchment... writing stuffs), an active imagination and about an hour of free time.

The first step is deciding who your main characters are. In the case of my book, there are 6 characters that are really key to the plot, and I needed sketches for all of them. Prime candidates are protagonists, supporting cast and (this is important) villains. Everyone that's central to the plot should be a fully developed character.

Once you've decided who you're going to be working on, we move on to execution.

Each character has 3 sections to fill out: Personality, Ethics/Beliefs & Goals.

Write everything down, no matter how seemingly insignificant or stupid. Brainstorming rules apply.

Don't be a perfectionist... These are personal notes, and no one's going to see them but you. You can put things in the wrong section, misspell words, and use poor grammar. Ain't that wonderful?

Keep an eye out for potential contradictions.

Investigate the differences between how a character views his own actions, and how other characters view those same actions.

...And that's it. I told you it was simple. What, you want an example? Alright, let's make up a character.

We'll start with an archetype. How about a white-collar worker in a software company? He wears pressed shirts, has a favorite coffee mug, is clean cut and well shaven, and is "career motivated". Now, on with the sketch...

Miles Bowden

Personality:
Miles is an over-achiever with a high opinion of himself. He is aggressive, fast thinking, and is outspoken in most situations, especially when the topic is his low opinion of his peers.

Outwardly, Miles has utmost confidence in his own judgement and abilities, and has trouble trusting other people. On the other hand, he has complete faith in authority figures (teachers, bureaucrats, executives etc.) and almost always defers to their judgement.

In social gatherings, Miles is loud and usually the center of attention. He often declines invitations to parties, and his friends think he's "too cool" to go. In fact, Miles is very uncomfortable in large groups of people, and feels too much pressure to "perform".

His father was a botanist, and Miles himself enjoys looking at and collecting flowers. Absolutely no one knows this about him. He claims not to have any hobbies, because it would "waste valuable time".

He likes black coffee, nice clothes, and being alone. He is especially attracted to women who remind him of his first grade teacher. He dislikes sweet foods and alcohol, and he hates rebellious people (considers them traitors?).

Ethics/Beliefs:
Miles was raised Lutheran, but is not especially religious (attends on holidays?). He does believe in god, but more as a passive force than as a person. He occasionally muses that order in the natural world is the manifestation of god.

He believes strongly in the value of authority, laws and the establishment, often preaching about the topic with an almost religious fervor. Law is "what separates man from the animals." Contrary to this, Miles cheated on several tests in school (including placement exams), and feels continuing guilt over the matter.

He claims he could not kill a person, but agrees with the death penalty. He also feels war is a justifiable tool of diplomacy, but doesn't want to know anything about it. He generally is politically conservative, but feels strongly about environmental issues.

Goals:
Miles is driven to be "succesful". His father was an indistinguished researcher, and Miles has always felt that the man wasted his life. He absolutely refuses to have the same fate. Unfortunately, he followed his goal single-mindedly and is now working in upper-management in a company he doesn't really care about, while suffering his second ulcer.

Granted, this isn't the most interesting character in the world, but we certainly know enough about him to start a story. We know a bit about his thoughts, feelings, secrets, likes and dislikes. Undoubtedly, a lot more would be generated in the process of writing, but this is fine to begin with. Most importantly, there's some internal friction in Mr. Miles Bowden... Places where he's made the wrong choices (in his own estimation), and places where he could grow as a person.

It's that simple. Now run off and do a couple character sketches. After all, if you don't know your characters, how will we?

Keep those pens in motion, kids.

Removing the Civilization IV Demo's Turn Limit

2005-12-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

Greetings, salutations and a heart-felt howdy-doo!

Looks like I missed a ton of fun things this past month, like the release of the Civilization IV demo. Now, I don't want anyone to misunderstand me; I'm not one of those icky strategy gamers (ewwwwwwww). On the other hand, something about the Civilization series has made it a legendary time-waster and heroine-like-addiction. Best of all, it looks as if numero quatro has fixed almost everything I hated about previous entries in the series.

Unfortunately, the demo only allows 100 turns. ARGH! This situation is akin to showing me a new Ferrari, letting me sit in the drivers seat, and then telling me to get the hell out. The situation needed to be rectified.

It seems the new trend in game design is to include as many assets as possible in human readable (and editable) code, in order to make modding as easy as possible. In the case of Civilization IV, all of the game logic and resources are hand-delivered in Python and XML, conveniently located in the Assets directory. I think you can see the glimmer in my eye already. :)

Long story short, 20 minutes of fumbling around delivered unto me a fix for all my woes. All that's necessary is changing one line of Python code, and VOILA! Needless to say, I was playing the "demo" until 7:00 this morning, and I'm about to take it for another spin.

Oh... You wanted to know how to do it, too? I think I can work something out.

Easy as pie. Just follow these steps, and you'll be civing away.

Browse to the \Firaxis Games\Sid Meier's Civilization 4 Demo\Assets\Python directory (which is located in your Program Files by default).

Open CvGameUtils.Py in your favorite text editor (notepad will do).

Go to line 18, which should read:
if ( gc.getGame().getElapsedGameTurns() > 99 ):

Then simply change the value (99) to something more agreeable. Mine currently looks like:
if ( gc.getGame().getElapsedGameTurns() > 65536 ):

Save the file, and run the game.

You'll still see a counter in the upper right, telling you that you've got X many turns left, but at 0 it just disappears. I've succesfully played up to the 18th century, with only a couple minor problems. The tech tree comes to an abrupt stop leaving you with crossbowmen and war elephants, and I have had the game become unstable a couple times... Then again, what do you expect? It's a demo. :)

That's it. I told you it was easy, didn't I? Now run off and go play... Giant Roblog will be back next week with some blabber about standards based web-design, and how much I'd love to drop-kick Internet Explorer.

Keep it chill, kats...

FREE CARD GAME! Yee-haw!

2005-11-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

Click here!

How often are you offered a free card game, eh? Not often I'd be willing to bet. In fact, almost never. Guess what, today is your lucky day. Just click the link above and you can download everything you need to play a brand spankin' new card game!

This is the "beta" release of my new card game, Gambit. It's a strategic, non-collectible game for 2-5 players, which you are free to download, print, play and share with friends. I only want one thing in return... Feedback.

What a tyrant I am.

In case you missed the link above click on this and you'll be playing in no time.

A Day Delay

2005-11-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

I've done my usual procrastinating, and put off working on the card game until tonight. It's basically done, but I'm going to take one more day to check for spelling and format errors. I also didn't want to release it late tonight, which would probably not draw too many readers (oooh, am I whoring now?). Sorry 'bout the delay, but it will definitely be out tomorrow in the afternoon. Besides, it's free. :)

In the "black, white and red" department

If anyone's actually been reading this, you'll notice I've been redesigning the page little by little. Turns out that CSS is easy and fun! Whoda thunkit. I haven't quite mastered it yet, but I think I'll be churning out some interesting websites in the not-too-distant future. Don't expect the site for my card game to be one of them. Seriously.

And in not much at all...

I think Surface has become a guilty pleasure. It's not complete dreck, but let's be honest... It's not brilliant television either. The story isn't gripping, the producers seem to think we want to watch people freak-out over running water (goes for Invasion too), and sometimes it's outright stupid.

It gets one thing right. Cheesecake, and plenty of it.

Almost every episode shows the entertainingly-named Lake Bell (real name, no joke) in some state of undress, and believe-you-me... It's good. Really good. If that weren't enough, the even-more-entertainingly-named Leighton Meester (I wish I could make this stuff up) is contractually obligated to appear in a bikini in all scenes.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is good television. Don't even get me started on Smallville.

That about wraps it up for tonight.
Keep it on ice, hep kats...

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.

2005-11-08T02:54:00.000-08:00

We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic blog. Giant Roblog will be that blog. Better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster.

It turns out someone else was already using "Bleeding Ink" on Blogger, and I'm not the sort to be an also-ran if I have the option. It was time for a reboot. After hours of strenuous brain-storming, I finally settled on the new title. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Giant Roblog.

The new era is upon us.

God, I love melodrama...

While I was at it, I hunted through the template and destroyed most of the color. I wasn't really digging the blue-and-khaki, and this should work until I come up with something better. Whenever that is.

In other news...

I'd love to say that writing is moving along at a fast pace, but lying leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Instead, I'll say that writing has been moving along at the pace of a highly motivated snail. A hungry snail with a fire in his belly and a sneer on his face, but a snail none-the-less.

On the brighter side of things, I've now been nicotine free for more than a month. That seems like something to celebrate, if I'm not mistaken. My senses of taste and smell have returned (which isn't always a blessing), and I think my stamina's improving. Combine that with my lack of drinking recently and I'm starting to feel like an outright puritan. With any luck, I won't turn into one of those annoying prigs that makes it their holy crusade to ruin everyone else's fun.

I suppose that's about all for tonight. Keep it real, and expect another update wednesday.

In the cards...

2005-11-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

It's surprising just how sidetracked I can get in the middle of a project, although I suppose there's something to be said for "following my muse". Long story short, I was working on my notes-wiki (see last week) and stumbled across this idea for a card game that's supposed to exist in my book's world. Fast forward three days and here I am with a fully developed, non-collectable card game, complete with its own deck of custom cards (graphics and all). The obvious question is, "What the hell am I going to do with this?"

To be honest, I don't know. I've considered trying to sell it. I'd like a chance to further test it, but no one will touch it with a 10-foot pole (seems folks I know don't dig card games... at all). There's only so much I can learn about a game playing against myself, so it seems I'm kind of hosed.

Wait, what's this internet thing again?

I got another one of my bright ideas. Why not release the game under a Creative Commons License? If I'm lucky, some souls out there in cyberspace will nab my game, try it out and tell me what works. Sounds awefully optimistic, don't it? Yeah, I know.

The game is called Gambit, and is designed to be played by 2-5 players. It uses a deck of 40 cards, and can best be described as a mix between... Actually, it's not really like any other card game (that I know of). Each player gets 5 cards and then they wage war on one another. Gameplay is fast and furious, with a good balance of chance and tactics. Best of all, it'll be available for free download later this week.

When the PDF is posted, it'll contain the rule book and a sample deck. Just print the document, cut out the cards, and you're good to go. Hey, who doesn't like a free game? All I ask is that you give me some feedback after you give it a try.

Gambit should be out around wednesday. Keep an eye out.

Peace hippies...

A wiki wiki wiki...

2005-10-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

Howdy!

I've been at this a little over a month, and here I am scribbling (typing) the third installment. I'm behind schedule, but what good procrastinator isn't? Well, tonight's going to be a real eye-ball scorcher to make up for it. The main topic is... Unconventional Writing Tools. Gripping, isn't it? Aren't you just filled to the brim with nervous anticipation, like a middle-aged virgin in a whore house?

...

Yeah, me neither. On with the show.

Over the course of the past 8-9 years that I've been toiling away on Ebon Tide (a fantasy novel that causes pants to spontaneously combust. See posts below for slightly more information), I've created a ridiculously large pile of notes. Were these notes not in digital form, they would likely swell to consume the entirety of my living space, like some wood-pulp version of the Blob. Instead, they occupy such a miniscule fraction of my hard-drive that I almost feel insulted. Almost.

To be clear, these notes are an indespensible part of the process. In order to have a fantasy world that seems well rounded, engrossing and immersive, it needs detail. Lots and lots of detail. A truely annoying amount of detail, much of which the reader may not even see.

Problems arise when notes are compiled over the course of 9 years by someone who can hardly organize his sock drawer. Names and dates change as the story world evolves, and file formats change as upgrades happen. Hard-drives fail, folders are moved and occasionally misplaced, and sometimes I take notes in places where I would never think to look for them later. At this point, I don't even know where to look for a ton of my background information, and some of it has been written, rewritten and re-rewritten because I couldn't find the original. I've got what programmers would call a Source Control issue.

He looks for a better answer.

At some point, I started fantasizing about a piece of software that would fix this problem... Sort of a unified, digital notebook. Wipe that look off your face. I'm sure you've fantasized about something just as trivial and nerdy. At first I just had a vague concept, but after a little thought it started turning into a design document.

Fortunately, I wasn't ever commited to the idea enough to waste a couple months of my life making it work. Honestly, it should only take a week to get that piece of software up and running in a basic state but... I'm a terrible programmer. 'Nuff said.

All I wanted this digital notebook to do was allow me to quickly and easily organize, edit and crosslink notes pertaining to my novels. At some point, I also thought it would kick-ass if I could output to a Wiki (like www.wikipedia.org), because I think they're an awesome way to organize information. What did I just say? Eureka! The answer struck me like a 20 lb. anvil, and I'm still nursing the concussion.

After 15 minutes of intensive research, I selected PMwiki (www.pmwiki.org), and in another half-hour had it running on my system. For the rest of the week, I patiently (and not-so-patiently) combed through my .doc's and .sxw's and .odt's, editing as I went, and built a wiki of my fictional world. Even at half-complete, my notes are so much more accessible that I wonder how I ever got anything done before. The Wiki has to be one of the single most important advances in writing tools since the word processor, and surprisingly... I don't think anyone knows.

I'm going to reiterate this in bold for undue emphasis. Wikis freaking rock.

The ease of organizing my notes has already started illuminating places that need more fleshing out, and having all of them crosslinked and unified has improved the hell out of the consistency. To boot, I can share this resource with my editor when the time comes, and perhaps even web-publish an edited version for fans. How completely awesome is that? If that doesn't beat the crap out of a thin glossary at the end of a book, I don't know what does.

That seems like about enough for tonight. For anyone interested, I've got a rough version of my world map (really basic, and lacking details I have in other versions). Point a browser over to http://home.pacbell.net/ven_rand/anyamap2.jpg to take a gander.

Until next time...

Assorted Flavors

2005-10-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

We're going to be covering a couple different topics today. Some writing, a little gaming, a smidge of movies and a dash of software. Please keep your hands and feet within the vehicle at all times, as the animals are known to bite.

Writing:
As I mentioned earlier, I'm a writer of pants-igniting fiction. My current project is an epic fantasy novel (HEY, stop groaning in back!). The problem with calling something "epic fantasy" is that everyone immediately expects elves, dwarves, orcs and trolls, not to mention a dragon or two. This is a problem. Ya see, everyone in this industry (alright, not everyone) has been ripping off Tolkien for 30-40 years. Unabashedly, brutally ripping off, without thought, purpose or reason. In short, it sucks.

The way I see it fantasy's in a rut. It's like if sci-fi authors all up and decided Star Trek was "the" sci-fi setting. I mean, why bother inventing new alien races, right? We've already got Vulcans, Klingons and Romulans right? I'll tell you why. Because some of us are more vivid dreamers.

So, here's my goal: I am writing new fantasy. It's a new world, from bottom to top, with its own origin, gods and life-forms. There is only one creature in my universe that has been featured in the real world or any other work of fiction: People. Everything else is new.

As you might imagine, this is a collosal pain in the ass. A rewarding pain in the ass.

My first novel is entitled Ebon Tide, and it's currently about 1/3rd complete. After working on this project for the past 8 years, one might think I should be further along. One would be right. However, I've restarted several times already. There was something about my writing at age 17 that I just don't think would've cut it. Regardless, this is the end run. It's this revision or bust, and frankly... I won't take bust for an answer.

As of the moment, I've been "paused" on the current chapter for several months now. That's more than enough of a rest. I hereby proclaim that Ebon Tide will be finished by the 1st of January 2006. I'm sick of wasting time, and the damned book isn't writing itself.

Gaming:
I'd like to take a moment to hand out a congratulations to the Day of Defeat (www.dayofdefeat.com) development team. DoD:Source is a work of art, and absolutely some of the most fun I've had online in a long time. I've put several thousand hours into the previous versions of the game, and DoD:Source is a more than worthy successor... At least, it will be once there are a couple more levels to play on.

Oddly, the game has been the center of some controversy, mostly among veterans of previous versions of the game. Numerous claims have been flung left and right. Some folks are screaming that the balance of the game has been ruined. Others feel that the slight increase to weapon cones-of-fire has turned the game into skill-less, random dice throw. Most entertaining IMO are the critics who feel the game is no longer Day of Defeat, and more closely resembles Call of Duty.

In my own experience, the changes made are a vast improvement over the previous versions. I've not had problems with any of the weapons. In fact, they've done so much for the balance of the game that I often play random class, which I never did with the old DoD. I'm averaging a 1.5:1 kill-to-death ratio, occasionally going as high as 3:1... Which is pretty much identical to my ratios in the old DoD (maybe a smidge higher). I must be incredibly lucky.

None of this is to say the game is without it's flaws. It's not. However, it's not nearly so bleak as some would have you believe. Assuming the dev team can iron out some pretty minor bugs, and release a couple more maps in a timely-fashion, this game will be a real winner, and a more than worthy successor to the name.

Movies:
In a rare occurance, I actually made it out to the movie theater last week to see Serenity. In short, this movie was fantastic. I'm not a Joss Whedon zealot, but the movie was incredibly well done, and easily surpassed my expectations. Sadly, it looks like it's taking a serious kung-fu asskicking at the box office. Here's hoping word-of-mouth picks up attendance a bit. I like to see good product do well.

Software:
Time for some open source advocacy... Dang it, didn't I already tell you folks in back to stop groaning? It's very unbecoming of young people.

What can I say? I'm cheap, and I like free stuff. Especially when said free stuff occasionally outperforms my old expensive stuff. I'll keep this light. Slackware 10.2 good (www.slackware.org). Amarok 1.3.3 awesome (amarok.kde.org). Open Office quite nice (www.openoffice.org).

Personal Crap:
Not much. Just quit smoking for the 13,634,611th time. I've been nicotine free for 7 days now and frankly, the feeling's really.... boring. I'm sure all that extra energy and good attitude people are always bullshitting about is just around the corner.

A question. What is it that's so dang hot about married women? Talk amongst yourselves.

Until next time,
Chris

Tripping the light...

2005-09-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

Greetings and all that jazz.

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering who I am and why the hell you're reading my ramblings. As with most questions in life, there are both short and long answers.

Short Answer -
How the hell should I know?

Long Answer -
I'm writing a fantasy novel that's going to literally set your pants on fire. You're reading this because you'd like to have your pants engulfed in flames. It's that simple.

Over the coming months, this will become a place to air out the dirty laundry of my brain. What should you expect to read here? Snippets of a novel in progress, and musings on the process of its creation; Pseudo-intellectual dribble; The occasional rant about whatever happens to flip my switch; Perhaps a little graphical eye-candy when the mood arises.

I suppose that's about enough for my innaugural post. Come on back, y'all. I promise it'll be worth the price of admission.

Giant Roblog

A few more...

Eight Months Later...

On with the show

Behold... The Day of Excitement Has Arrived!

But That's Not All!

A Friendly Introduction to the Command-Line

Intro

Useful Commands

Tricks & Shortcuts

Hints and Tips

Unix Directory Structure

Parting Words

Using a Remote Windows Printer in KDE

First Things First...

So, WTF do I do?

In Other News...

Nolo Contendre

What's new, Scooby-Doo?

Open Season on Writers

From the Promotions Department

All Hallows Eve

Wrapping Up

IN 3D!

It Keeps Regenerating Itself

Is this the true form of the Mighty Giant Roblog?!

More Updates Forthcoming

Been a long time...

Apophthegm

Pornifesto

The Porno Revolution

Toward Tomorrow's Porn

Foundation

Step 1 - Breaking Routine

Step 2 - Body Work

Step 3 - Having Fun

Step 4 - Skillful Editing

...And That's The New Porno Movement

And in other news...

Follow Ups

My dogs are barking...

Abracadabra

On Writer's Block

Seu Jorge

For Lack of Good Seasons

Sprinter

The Further Adventures...

Geisha Feet

Street Solder

There's Magic in that Command Line

Oh no!

On Writer's Block

On Silly Trademarks

Shaun of the Dead

Stanton Moore

And?

Word Quest Continues - Who's Skitchin'?

Ashes to ashes, and all that jazz...

Today's Word: Skitch

Today's Word - Eugooglize

New Word

Pointless Jibber Jabber

Sunday Punch

Sir Lucien and the Great Sickness

Shame on you all...

Story time...

The Shocking Death of Some Guy Named Bill

Keys to Success: Making Money on the Internet

Building Web Traffic Part 1Work Ethic

Building Web Traffic Part 2You gotta have traffic to get traffic...

Step 3: Big Profit!

And now for something completely different...

Write Thinking - Giant Roblog's New Column

Write Thinking #1

Creating Characters Who Live And Breathe

Removing the Civilization IV Demo's Turn Limit

FREE CARD GAME! Yee-haw!

A Day Delay

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.

In the cards...

Building Web Traffic Part 1
Work Ethic

Building Web Traffic Part 2
You gotta have traffic to get traffic...